Can't believe it has been more than 1.5 years since I last blogged. My last entry was about taking the group of N2 children and my worries all about it. And now, I have almost came to the end of my second year with the same group of children (and the end of 3 years for a handful of them). 

As my worries and concerns increase as they grew older, the love and care increases along the way as well. To think that I have a month or a month plus with most of them is just.....unbearable. While they are constantly my headaches and heart aches but they are only so because of what they are and have become to me. I'm not gonna go overly emotionally and whine, "What's life gonna be like without them?" with dramatic sighs and faint. But it will definitely be a tear-inducing scene when the end of November comes and so many of them are gonna leave me to head to a new school. Sometimes, I blame life for being so unpredictable. While I was worrying about having to teach them in K2 next year, there comes a harder blow that nope, not only will I not be teaching them, they won't even get to be around me. All because of a bloody lease. Yes, corporate world. Who cares if others are affected as long as they can earn more. Thats what the corporate world is like. And I guess thats why I chose not to be in any profession like that, where money earning comes way ahead of humanity. I'm not a saint and neither can I say that money is not important, money means nothing. But money before humanity? And to think, we kept asking why people are the way they are now. 

Overdue rants over. I guess I just got to cherish whatever time I have left with my babies. Perhaps I'm just this attached because they are my very first group of children whom I taught at the start of my career. How old they are marks how old I am in this field of work. 

Unpredictability comes in every single way. Sometimes it's from outside and other time, it's from within. Perhaps I had too much unpredictability coming my way, even I am getting unpredictable within. There are times when I have thoughts and feelings that puzzles me even Why and how did these thoughts come about, I wondered too. Some I know, because there are a result of external situations. And to be honest, I blame myself for being weak. For being easily affected by things that are happening on the outside. When I let my guard down and allow myself to be a little more vulnerable, more reliant, that's also the time when I allow things to get to me, when I allow myself to get affected and inevitably, hurt. When I build the walls up, I get blamed for having my guards up, up too high that no one seems to be able to come in. I feel hard-hearted, I feel unfeeling. So, now, what am I supposed to do? What am I supposed to feel? I've been having these peculiar feelings recently and I got to say, they are not the most pleasant I've had. And I'm scared that it could because I'm losing feelings for certain things or... perhaps, people. 

I asked myself last night.

我要怎么把感觉找回来？